If you’re feeling lonelier because you’re out of a job, you may be in good company. A survey in 2018 of 20,000 Americans found that half of them felt lonely. And since the workplace is where many Americans find camaraderie and connection, it’s not surprising that unemployment may introduce or intensify feelings of loneliness and isolation.

Loneliness is important to address, though, because it can endanger an unemployed person’s health and hamper their job search. It is a bigger predictor of early death than even obesity or alcoholism. One reason may be that loneliness can give rise to depression, and depression can increase the risks of suicide, a leading cause of death in this country.

How the Loneliness of Unemployment Is Unique

The loneliness of unemployment is also unique. Many people are predisposed to loneliness because of different factors. Work often helps to offset much of that loneliness, by:

• creating an automatic social network and regular opportunities for human interaction.
• giving people a sense of purpose and belonging that can counteract feelings of isolation.
• helping people take pride and find self-esteem in what they do.

The loss of a job can therefore be a bit like the end of a relationship that you took for granted. It can kind of hit you. When you’re out of work, all those former buffers against loneliness (that you may not even have noticed) are no longer there. In their absence, that sticky emotion of loneliness can set in.

Some Tools and Techniques from CBT Therapy That May Help

The good news is that there are things you can do to cope with and counteract these feelings—and even overcome them. I know this to be true on the basis of my work as a cognitive-behavioral therapist. Cognitive-behavioral therapy (CBT) is an evidence-based treatment that teaches people to see how their emotions often originate from their thoughts. These thoughts may not be accurate or factual but can heavily influence a person’s mood and feelings.

In other words, loneliness doesn’t come from nowhere, which means you have power to change how you feel. These four insights and tools from CBT can help you start feeling less lonely and more connected when you’re out of a job:

1) Imagine what you might say to an unemployed friend and tell yourself the same thing.

CBT takes the approach that how a person reacts to their circumstances is more important than the situation itself. Job loss and unemployment are very common experiences—especially now. Most people go on to recover, too.

Still, that can be hard to keep in mind when you’re feeling deflated after a rejection letter or an unsuccessful interview. The temptation is to panic and indulge in anxious, negative ruminating, which is only self-defeating.

Instead, try to be a better friend to yourself. If a friend were unemployed, would you tell them that they are a worthless person, that nobody will hire them and that this is the end of the world? Of course not, but you might reassure your friend that they have a lot of strengths, encourage them to stay positive in the job search and emphasize that they will find the right job eventually. You can give yourself similar pep talks and then notice how you feel.

2) Reframe negative, distorted thoughts.

These “cognitive distortions,” as CBT terms them, can trigger or increase feelings of loneliness. Below are three examples of thoughts that a person who is lonely and unemployed might be thinking, as well as tips for how to correct and replace these cognitive distortions. (A disclaimer: Every person’s situation is different; through individual therapy, a good CBT practitioner can better address the specific distorted thinking that may be causing your loneliness.)

• “Nobody will want to hang out with me anymore.” CBT describes this thinking as “mind reading.” You’re predicting a worst-case scenario without any factual basis, and it only serves to make you feel more ashamed, alone and less likely to reach out to others for social connection and support.
  

When I’m working with a patient who is mind reading, I suggest they conduct a survey to go test their prediction and see if it is true. In this case, I might say, “Alright, if you’re so sure that nobody will want to hang out with you because you’re jobless, go find three people (friends, acquaintances, etc.) and tell them you’re unemployed.” In the process, most people come to recognize their prediction was wrong and are able to adopt a healthier perspective. They often discover that what they’re going through is more normal than they think. Sometimes, they may make new friends.

• “I’m a complete failure.” This “black-and-white” thinking wrongly assumes you can only be either an abject failure or a total success. (Of course, most of us, if not all of us, fall somewhere in between those two poles.) In addition to being wrong, thinking you’re a complete failure only fosters shame and low self-worth, which in turn can deprive you of seeking out meaningful connections and relationships when you feel lonely.

 When we tell ourselves that we’re a complete failure, we need to recognize and then challenge the distortion. Here I often refer patients to the example of Abraham Lincoln, who failed at almost every other job before becoming (arguably) the greatest U.S. president.

• “This is terrible!” When we start thinking that being out of work is horrible, we’re “catastrophizing,” according to CBT. But over-reacting only amps up anxiety and can trigger more runaway thinking that does nobody any good. Pretty soon, you’re thinking a string of anxious, “what if” thoughts: “What if I can’t find a job?” “What if I end up homeless?”

 To stop that runaway train to a nervous breakdown, check the facts and reframe your perspective where possible. Is losing a job really a catastrophe when statistics show that the average person will change their career 5-7 times during their lifetime? Yes, unemployment would be a catastrophe if the millions and millions of Americans who at one point or another have lost a job end up hungry, homeless or dead. But is that really happening? No. Most people get through an experience of job loss and eventually find employment.

3) Give some new things a try.

What we do—our behaviors—can either contribute to loneliness or counteract it. With someone who is feeling lonely because they lost their job, I would ask them to write down all of the things that they’ve already done to not feel as lonely. Often people haven’t done a whole lot to solve the problem.

If being out of work means that you have to create a social network, that is going to take a bit of work. Go to Starbucks and start a conversation with someone. Get dressed up and get out of the house. Go to church or attend a Sunday School class. Join a bowling league. Visit shut-ins or volunteer in another way. Service is one of the best ways to start feeling better about oneself and more connected with others.

Loneliness from being out of work is not incurable. By applying these and other tools and techniques from CBT, many people have been able to overcome feelings of isolation and go on to land a job. You can do the same.

About the Author:

Dr. Beau Nelson, DBH, LCSW is Chief Clinical Officer at the national behavioral health provider FHE Health.